I’m Something.

jury selection

When I was growing up, I thought some things just happened, meaning that I didn’t have to work for it. I figured I would get taller. I believed that pectoral muscles, like breasts, just appeared one day and therefore all the girls would stare at my chest in the same way that I stared at theirs. Unfortunately, this never happened.

And the third thing was that love just happened; that a girl would walk up to me and asks me out. This also never happened. I think I have a better chance of developing breasts.
So, I haven’t been on a date in a few months. I never thought it was necessary. I know there are guys who always have a girlfriend. The idea of being single for longer than twenty-seven minutes scares them. My friend Peter is that way. And that’s why he started going out with Jenny. I liked Jenny. And I was happy when they got married. Happier when the marriage ended a few years later, but I don’t hold grudges.

When I met Jenny, she asked me only one question, “Are you gay?” This question repeated itself through most of my life. Gym class, college, my parents…It’s not like I have style or care about my appearance or follow many gay stereotypes. And let’s just make it clear. Many of my best friends are gay, so it’s not like I’m ashamed of being called gay. Basically, I want to know what makes me look gay, besides the fact that I never have a girlfriend.

Either way, she saw me on dates with women. She went on a few with me. I’m uncomfortable on my own. I prefer groups. Small groups let me be only slightly interesting. I believe that the presumption in these instances is that since I have at least two friends, I must be okay. However, that did not always work out. I wrote this out when I got home from the horrible date that Jenny set up for me when she was still married to my friend. This transcript may be changed a little depending on my memory, but either way, my date left before the drinks arrived.  So, it doesn’t matter how bad my memory is.

Peter: She was overwhelmed.
Me: I didn’t want to go by myself. She may have been weird.
Peter: That’s the chance you take.
Me: I don’t like surprises.
Peter: Then you’re taking the wrong approach to dating. Be more assertive.
Me: I tried that.
Peter: No, you did not.
Me: Yeah, remember Beth?
Peter: No.
Me: Exactly.
Peter: Exactly, what?
Me: Exactly . . . she never went out with me
Peter: Because you were assertive?
Me: I think so
Peter: You’re insane. Did she tell you that?
Me: Did who?
Peter: Beth.
Me: No, she did not.
Peter: Then don’t put words in her mouth. What did she say?
Me: No.
Peter: Just no?
Me: Just no.
Peter: Oh.
Me: Yeah.
Peter: Sorry man. That’s harsh.
Me: And that’s why I’m not assertive.
Jenny: From experience, there could be other reasons.
Me: Like what?
Jenny: She may just not have liked you.
Peter: Well, that’s rude. He wasn’t asking her to marry him.
Jenny: I’ve done it.
Me: Done what?
Jenny: Said no to a date.
Peter: How could you be so heartless?
Jenny: Easy. He was pretty weird.
Me: Are you saying I’m weird? My date left me without as much as an excuse. My best friend’s girlfriend thinks I’m weird. I think I’ve had enough tonight.
Jenny: No. You’re fine.
Me: This is just painful.
Peter: Don’t give up. This was your first date in months. Keep trying.
Me: Well, I’m going to go. Leave you guys alone for a while.
Peter: You don’t have to.
Jenny: If you want to stay for a while, we won’t mind.
Me: Yes, you will. You always mind and I’m always in the way.
Peter: We don’t mind.
Me: I’ll just leave.
Peter: Okay. Maybe you’ll meet someone on the train.
Me: Oh, good … Public transportation dating.
Peter: I met many of my girlfriends there.
Me: On a bus? Seriously? And that’s what you said about online dating.
Peter: True, but this is different.
Me: No, it’s not.
Peter: Don’t start with me again. You’re just negative.
Me: Fine. Good night.
Jenny: It’ll be fine, Billy. Maybe I can help again.
Me: Please don’t.
Jenny: Fine. Be a jerk.
Me: Usually am.
Jenny: That’s why you’re alone.
Peter: Don’t say that.
Jenny: It’s true.
Peter: So, he’s my friend, not yours…
Me: Well, now that I started you guys up. I’ll leave.

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